Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Getting Shots Sucks Ass


Getting shots sucks ass. That's what my five year old would say if she understood what she was saying. I should teach it to her. Lord knows, I've taught her worse. My daughter does not like shots. I say that as if there are kids out there who do like getting shots. But my daughter hates them a lot. On a scale of 1 to 10, she's at 33. And who can blame her. Seriously, is it not 2009? I can surf the net on a plane at 30,000 feet and we haven't found a better way to get shots? Or take blood? There's some sick twist out there who is in charge of shots. And shot evolution. A guy comes to him and says "sir, we've found a way to painlessly give shots." Only this sick twist refuses to listen to him. He gets some kind of pleasure from all the emotional and physical pain that is caused by shots. In fact, he says that they should make the needles longer. And thicker. And they should have to stay in your arm, your leg or your ass even longer. And maybe move them around while they're in the skin. I refuse to believe that there is not an easier way to do this.

Anyway, when we first brought my daughter home from China, we had to do blood tests. She was extremely malnourished so her veins didn't present themselves the way they should in order to take blood. She had only been home with us for a few days and she was still in her "what the hell is going on" phase, and here we were taking her to get needles put in her arm. We love you sweetie. We're here to protect you. Now goddamnit, let this woman stick a needle in your arm. Anyway, it didn't take. They couldn't get a vein. And as malnourished as she was, the little girl had some muscle. Holding her down was damn near impossible. They stuck her a few times and then gave up and told us we would need to go to a hospital to have it done. At this point I'm thinking we are the greatest parents EVAAAAAARRRR.

So we take her to the hospital and I have to hold her down on a table while they draw blood. Here's a little example of how strong she was and how much she hated this whole process. When we were finished, she had cut open the back of her head from throwing it around so much. And this was with me holding her down. Like I said. Greatest. Parents. EVAAAARRRR.

So yesterday my son had his wellness check. And unbeknownst to my daughter, she had to get her shots for Kindergarten. My wife dropped this little bomb on her while they were driving to the doctor and my daughter spent the rest of the time dreading it. Trying to get out of it. Putting up large sums of cash to get some other kid to get the shots in her place. When they finally got to the doctor, my daughter proceeded to tell the woman at the front desk as well as everyone in the waiting room that her appointment had been canceled. That there was no need to get a shot.

Now my daughter is very smart. Very smart. I say this as someone who did not pass on these smarts to her. Her smarts are not a direct result of my smarts. Or lack thereof. So the fact that she is telling the woman at the front desk that her appointment is canceled is beautiful. That at the age of five, she puts all that together is amazing to me. And clever as hell. As a matter of fact, it's so smart that if I were in charge of her getting shots, I would let her off the hook. I would pat her on the head and say "not today my little genius." Of course then she would get some crazy ass disease that could have been prevented by this shot and then there we would be.

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