Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Kids And Their Lying Lies

My son is a brilliant liar. A brilliant one. It's disturbing how good he is. Back up. Maybe liar isn't the right word. Maybe it's exaggerator. Or maybe he's just a good old-timey storyteller. He is constantly making up stuff about completely random things. And that's why he's so good. He plucks the most obscure apple from the tree and then makes things up about it so you either don't know enough to question it, or frankly just don't care. Where my son is especially good is with statistics. I took him to a football game last fall and he stood with a 50 year old man and talked football statistics for a good 30 minutes. Later, the man's wife (my co-worker) told me how impressed her husband was with the wealth of football knowledge my son had. I didn't have the heart to tell her that he is completely, and utterly full of so much shit it's amazing his eyes aren't brown.

Truth to tell, probably about 1 out of 10 things my son said to that man were probably right. Or accurate. The rest is completely made up. What my son does is get really specific. That's what makes his lies so legit. Because great lying is in the details. Instead of saying that the quarterback is throwing 20% more completions than he did last year, my son will say he's throwing 23.56% more completions. Who will debate that? I certainly wont. Or it's possible that the man could have said that the linebacker averages 2 sacks per game and my son would correct him and say that actually, he has 3.5 sacks per game and that that's a 16.75% improvement over last year.

I envy his talent. He didn't get any of this from me. I lie, or even embellish a bit, I feel bad about it for weeks. But like all powers, it must me maintained. And cultivated. I am Jor-El, teaching my son to put his powers to good use. Because in the hands of a maniac, the results could be disastrous.


  1. lol! Genius I tell you! Genius! How old is he again? And has he been taking lessons from my 11 year old, the King of Tall Tales and Exaggeration.

  2. As a matter of fact. He is 11 also. Must be the age. What kills me is that he works it into casual conversation. He'll just throw it in there while we're driving in the car. And I'll look at him and wonder if it's true or not.

    I'm guess he'll either be a brilliant improv comedian, or a wealthy CEO of a corporation that goes bankrupt due to questionable business practices.

  3. His eyes are brown.

    His mom and your wife.

  4. You're no fun.

    Signed your husband and his father.

    And feel free to sign up on google so you have an ID.