Shower Instructions

These are the instructions I give my son old every time he enters the bathroom to take a shower. Please note that he's 12 years old. 12. Years. Old.

1. Turn on the water.

2. Stand under the water.

3. Get your body wet.

4. Step out of the water to soap yourself. If you soap yourself under the water, the soap never really stays on your body.

5. Use a washcloth. Wash your face. Make sure soap is on it.

6. Wash your hair. With shampoo. Step out of the water to wash your hair with shampoo. If you shampoo your hair under the water, the shampoo never really cleans your hair.

7. Turn off the water.

8. Use a towel to dry yourself off.


I'm physically and emotionally drained every time he takes a shower.

You Smell Like Axxxxxxxxxeeeeeeeeeee

That's what we say in our household. My son buys Axe. Correction, I buy Axe for my son. Totally against my will and with great remorse.

In the morning, he sprays the Axe. In the evening, he sprays the Axe. Before errands. After chores. After brushing his teeth. In lieu of a shower. In addition to a shower. And everywhere in-between. "Hey son, get ready for that memorial service. Okay Dad, just let me apply some Axe." That's a true story.

And I say "some" Axe, but really I mean he empties the whole damn can on himself. The commercials suggest that women are attracted to it, but I don't think you want the women who are attracted to Axe attracted to you. Have you smelled the stuff? There's a reason that the name Axe sounds a lot like a body party that doesn't smell good either.

If you're son is approaching Tween age, consider this your warning. Say you're allergic to the stuff and keep it out of your house.